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How to Stop Anal Rape

Lately I've been on a heat kick. Spicy food is where it's at. The euphoric feeling one gets from a Thai chili pepper in a plate of Kung Pao Chicken is hard to beat. The balance of sweet and heat in Chocolate Naga Jolokia Brownies reminds me that life is good and their is balance somewhere.

Yesterday my lovely wife tells me she is in the mood for hot wings. We just happen to have a coupon to a local chain called Wing Nutz. We've been there one other time, hence us getting the coupon. Their wings are good and meaty. Flavors are good, but the descriptions may be off. (By the way, honey flavor is not the same as Jamaican Jerk.) The atmosphere is cheesy/tacky and to service is a bit slow.

Looking at their menu, they list 18 wing flavors ranging from 1 to 3 stars in heat level. I have had their 3 star hot wings and had little heat to it. At the bottom of this list it states “Take any sauce to Purgatory If YOU Dare ...”. I ask our waitress about this and she tell us you choose any wing sauce, then they add their purgatory sauce to it. So I went with it. Having their other wings, I wasn't expecting much.

She finally brings our plate of 20 wings, 1/2 Jamaican Jerk, 1/2 Southern Lemon Hotties sauce "taken to Purgatory". First thing I do is to get a little sauce on my finger to try it. Yah, it's hot. I eat my first wing ...

I have a weird reflex to spicy foods. I hiccup. It starts coming with no end in site. I finish my [Bohemian] beer, ask for another one, and a tall class of ice water. The hiccups finally stop and I'm able to move on. Half way through I find a wing with extra chunky sauce all around it, so I set it to the side for the end. I realize the longer I sit not eating, the heat just gets worse and worse, so I figure I may as well finish. Finally get to the last one with all the extra goodness and could feel more heat.

All in all, they were good. Under all that heat, there was a lot of good flavor, which I'm quite surprised I could taste it. My wife finishes her wings (which she gave me one and oddly couldn't taste a whole lot by this time), get our check and leave.

An hour later my lower lip is still unconscious. The next morning, my stomach is a bit nauseous. And by the time it's time (without getting too graphic, if you catch my drift), I discovered a useful trick that can be used in prison: They may get to you the first time, but won't come back for seconds. ;)

Pachyderms vs. Asses vs. Flags vs. Colors vs...

Just wanted to wish all a happy independence day. What is this day all about? Is it blowing things up? To put your hand over your heart and be patriotic? Or is it perhaps whatever you make of it. Enjoying that of which you like to enjoy. For me, it's simple. I celebrate by being an arrogant bastard.



Be safe and drink plenty. Or don't be safe and don't drink at all, whatever floats you boat.

Happy 4th of July all my peeps.

Happy Friday the 13th

Happy Friday the 13th everyone. This is the 2nd of three for the year. Glad you made it to the second one, and hopefully you will make it to the third. So I thought I'd give some pointers to all my peeps on how to survive the night.

Seeing that many kids in their late teens seem to loose their lives in the most grizzliest of fashions on a night such as tonight, I saw I could lend a hand. I am an expert on the matter on the account I have seen many of the Friday the 13th movies. Thus, I can help you survive ... maybe.

First off, don't go camping, especially near an old summer camp, near a lake, or near anything with "Blood" in the title. This should be a dead give away.

If you are in your late teens/early 20's, yet look to be nearly 30, you have no shot in staying alive. Really, don't go out and watch your back.

You have a better shot at surviving if you live a virtuous life. Not as many virgins and non-drinkers will be sacrificed. Also, if you are watching over children, put them to bed and decide to start fornicating, you have no chance. Period. Most likely your head will be squeezed to the point that one of your eyes will pop out with help of the spring in the back of your skull.

If you are being pursued by a large man with no hair, dons a hockey mask and overalls, and carries a large machete, don't worry about running. Even if you are fit and a decent runner, and your assailant is walking at his own slow pace, he will catch you, and most likely somehow get in front of you. You will definitely fall at some point, so don't look back, it never helps. You will not win this one. Just lay down and let the mayhem happen.

Lastly, if at anytime you hear the sounds of "ki ki ki, ma ma ma" accompanied by a striking violin, you are in the presence of a killer. Your only chance of winning this one is hopefully your parents burned a pedophile to death when they were younger. It would also be advantageous if you have a severe case of narcolepsy and have frequent nightmares. Then you have a shot of said pedophile to fight your assailant. Most likely, the resurrected child rapist will not defeat the resurrected teen killer, but should give you enough time to get the hell out of dodge.

I hope you will heed my words and enjoy your Friday the 13th. Happy being the hunted day.

Happy Square Root Day (-1)

I am so sorry. I forgot to wish you all a happy Square Root Day yesterday (3/3/09). The next time we see one of these puppies will be on my 42 birthday. Then my son will also have a birthday on one of these, he will be 50 on his. Then to close it all, my dad will turn 133 on his. Something tells me he, nor I, will see it. So sad :(

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed it. See you again in 7 years, 1 month and 1 day (-1 day).

Yet another $Million idea

Yep, another idea worth at least millions. Problem is, I can't tell you. I signed a non-verbal, non-traceable contract with my fellow programmer, Yakob the Jew. All I can say for now is that at 99 cents a pop, all we have to do is sell 2,020,202 units, and we each have a cool $Mill.

I'll keep you informed as we get closer to release date.

All praise the mighty Probot (the prophet robots, not the band, although the band is totally sweet too.)

Thinking in the commode is bad ... mmmkay

I had an epiphany. In the place they should occur ... in the crapper. This is actually a good self question that has me baffled. Ready? Well, that doesn't matter, I'm writing it anyway.

Why do I care about the future of humanity and the betterment of my community if I generally don't like people?

I have friends, and I like them, hence, the title "friends". I do not like crowds. I think people (mind you, not an individual person) are stupid. Groups of people are reactionary and don't think. People are out to cover their own ass. The individual is a person with needs and trials of their own, and possibly similar to mine. Thus I am sympathetic to the individual. Groups of people are still humanity, thus, my quandary.

I am a "Buy Local First" advocate. It's better for the community if the locally owned business succeeds over the national chain. The money is more apt to stay locally, thus contributing to the betterment of where YOU reside, rather than sending support elsewhere. I also have no problem paying taxes so others may go to school. Educations makes a more efficient "smarter" people and community.

So why should I care if I think most people suck? I'm a humanitarian that doesn't like people. Is that right? Is it because I have a need to teach my children to be good people, no matter what? To treat others like I would like to be treated? (BTW, I think it's the only useful religious teaching ... although the religious are generally intolerant to those with differing opinions, but I digress.) I will stay the same until I find reason otherwise. I will keep treating those who do not respect me with respect. For no other reason than I do not have faith in you? Make sense?

So there it is, me being serious.

Just a quick note

Thought I would just write a quick post. To let all my readers know about my other blog.

cbdouchedotcom.blogspot.com

This is dedicated to that douche Chris Buttars. I write in that blog even less than this one, but at least it's more. It may not go up to 11, but ... nothing.

I seriously suck

So once again I've gone awol. I seriously need to get back to this. Not like anyone is reading it.

I guess one thing is new: www.frogsknott.info redirects to this blog. Yeah for me.

Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to slee.....