How to Stop Anal Rape

Lately I've been on a heat kick. Spicy food is where it's at. The euphoric feeling one gets from a Thai chili pepper in a plate of Kung Pao Chicken is hard to beat. The balance of sweet and heat in Chocolate Naga Jolokia Brownies reminds me that life is good and their is balance somewhere.

Yesterday my lovely wife tells me she is in the mood for hot wings. We just happen to have a coupon to a local chain called Wing Nutz. We've been there one other time, hence us getting the coupon. Their wings are good and meaty. Flavors are good, but the descriptions may be off. (By the way, honey flavor is not the same as Jamaican Jerk.) The atmosphere is cheesy/tacky and to service is a bit slow.

Looking at their menu, they list 18 wing flavors ranging from 1 to 3 stars in heat level. I have had their 3 star hot wings and had little heat to it. At the bottom of this list it states “Take any sauce to Purgatory If YOU Dare ...”. I ask our waitress about this and she tell us you choose any wing sauce, then they add their purgatory sauce to it. So I went with it. Having their other wings, I wasn't expecting much.

She finally brings our plate of 20 wings, 1/2 Jamaican Jerk, 1/2 Southern Lemon Hotties sauce "taken to Purgatory". First thing I do is to get a little sauce on my finger to try it. Yah, it's hot. I eat my first wing ...

I have a weird reflex to spicy foods. I hiccup. It starts coming with no end in site. I finish my [Bohemian] beer, ask for another one, and a tall class of ice water. The hiccups finally stop and I'm able to move on. Half way through I find a wing with extra chunky sauce all around it, so I set it to the side for the end. I realize the longer I sit not eating, the heat just gets worse and worse, so I figure I may as well finish. Finally get to the last one with all the extra goodness and could feel more heat.

All in all, they were good. Under all that heat, there was a lot of good flavor, which I'm quite surprised I could taste it. My wife finishes her wings (which she gave me one and oddly couldn't taste a whole lot by this time), get our check and leave.

An hour later my lower lip is still unconscious. The next morning, my stomach is a bit nauseous. And by the time it's time (without getting too graphic, if you catch my drift), I discovered a useful trick that can be used in prison: They may get to you the first time, but won't come back for seconds. ;)