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How to Stop Anal Rape

Lately I've been on a heat kick. Spicy food is where it's at. The euphoric feeling one gets from a Thai chili pepper in a plate of Kung Pao Chicken is hard to beat. The balance of sweet and heat in Chocolate Naga Jolokia Brownies reminds me that life is good and their is balance somewhere.

Yesterday my lovely wife tells me she is in the mood for hot wings. We just happen to have a coupon to a local chain called Wing Nutz. We've been there one other time, hence us getting the coupon. Their wings are good and meaty. Flavors are good, but the descriptions may be off. (By the way, honey flavor is not the same as Jamaican Jerk.) The atmosphere is cheesy/tacky and to service is a bit slow.

Looking at their menu, they list 18 wing flavors ranging from 1 to 3 stars in heat level. I have had their 3 star hot wings and had little heat to it. At the bottom of this list it states “Take any sauce to Purgatory If YOU Dare ...”. I ask our waitress about this and she tell us you choose any wing sauce, then they add their purgatory sauce to it. So I went with it. Having their other wings, I wasn't expecting much.

She finally brings our plate of 20 wings, 1/2 Jamaican Jerk, 1/2 Southern Lemon Hotties sauce "taken to Purgatory". First thing I do is to get a little sauce on my finger to try it. Yah, it's hot. I eat my first wing ...

I have a weird reflex to spicy foods. I hiccup. It starts coming with no end in site. I finish my [Bohemian] beer, ask for another one, and a tall class of ice water. The hiccups finally stop and I'm able to move on. Half way through I find a wing with extra chunky sauce all around it, so I set it to the side for the end. I realize the longer I sit not eating, the heat just gets worse and worse, so I figure I may as well finish. Finally get to the last one with all the extra goodness and could feel more heat.

All in all, they were good. Under all that heat, there was a lot of good flavor, which I'm quite surprised I could taste it. My wife finishes her wings (which she gave me one and oddly couldn't taste a whole lot by this time), get our check and leave.

An hour later my lower lip is still unconscious. The next morning, my stomach is a bit nauseous. And by the time it's time (without getting too graphic, if you catch my drift), I discovered a useful trick that can be used in prison: They may get to you the first time, but won't come back for seconds. ;)

Pachyderms vs. Asses vs. Flags vs. Colors vs...

Just wanted to wish all a happy independence day. What is this day all about? Is it blowing things up? To put your hand over your heart and be patriotic? Or is it perhaps whatever you make of it. Enjoying that of which you like to enjoy. For me, it's simple. I celebrate by being an arrogant bastard.



Be safe and drink plenty. Or don't be safe and don't drink at all, whatever floats you boat.

Happy 4th of July all my peeps.

Happy Friday the 13th

Happy Friday the 13th everyone. This is the 2nd of three for the year. Glad you made it to the second one, and hopefully you will make it to the third. So I thought I'd give some pointers to all my peeps on how to survive the night.

Seeing that many kids in their late teens seem to loose their lives in the most grizzliest of fashions on a night such as tonight, I saw I could lend a hand. I am an expert on the matter on the account I have seen many of the Friday the 13th movies. Thus, I can help you survive ... maybe.

First off, don't go camping, especially near an old summer camp, near a lake, or near anything with "Blood" in the title. This should be a dead give away.

If you are in your late teens/early 20's, yet look to be nearly 30, you have no shot in staying alive. Really, don't go out and watch your back.

You have a better shot at surviving if you live a virtuous life. Not as many virgins and non-drinkers will be sacrificed. Also, if you are watching over children, put them to bed and decide to start fornicating, you have no chance. Period. Most likely your head will be squeezed to the point that one of your eyes will pop out with help of the spring in the back of your skull.

If you are being pursued by a large man with no hair, dons a hockey mask and overalls, and carries a large machete, don't worry about running. Even if you are fit and a decent runner, and your assailant is walking at his own slow pace, he will catch you, and most likely somehow get in front of you. You will definitely fall at some point, so don't look back, it never helps. You will not win this one. Just lay down and let the mayhem happen.

Lastly, if at anytime you hear the sounds of "ki ki ki, ma ma ma" accompanied by a striking violin, you are in the presence of a killer. Your only chance of winning this one is hopefully your parents burned a pedophile to death when they were younger. It would also be advantageous if you have a severe case of narcolepsy and have frequent nightmares. Then you have a shot of said pedophile to fight your assailant. Most likely, the resurrected child rapist will not defeat the resurrected teen killer, but should give you enough time to get the hell out of dodge.

I hope you will heed my words and enjoy your Friday the 13th. Happy being the hunted day.

Happy Square Root Day (-1)

I am so sorry. I forgot to wish you all a happy Square Root Day yesterday (3/3/09). The next time we see one of these puppies will be on my 42 birthday. Then my son will also have a birthday on one of these, he will be 50 on his. Then to close it all, my dad will turn 133 on his. Something tells me he, nor I, will see it. So sad :(

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed it. See you again in 7 years, 1 month and 1 day (-1 day).

Yet another $Million idea

Yep, another idea worth at least millions. Problem is, I can't tell you. I signed a non-verbal, non-traceable contract with my fellow programmer, Yakob the Jew. All I can say for now is that at 99 cents a pop, all we have to do is sell 2,020,202 units, and we each have a cool $Mill.

I'll keep you informed as we get closer to release date.

All praise the mighty Probot (the prophet robots, not the band, although the band is totally sweet too.)

Thinking in the commode is bad ... mmmkay

I had an epiphany. In the place they should occur ... in the crapper. This is actually a good self question that has me baffled. Ready? Well, that doesn't matter, I'm writing it anyway.

Why do I care about the future of humanity and the betterment of my community if I generally don't like people?

I have friends, and I like them, hence, the title "friends". I do not like crowds. I think people (mind you, not an individual person) are stupid. Groups of people are reactionary and don't think. People are out to cover their own ass. The individual is a person with needs and trials of their own, and possibly similar to mine. Thus I am sympathetic to the individual. Groups of people are still humanity, thus, my quandary.

I am a "Buy Local First" advocate. It's better for the community if the locally owned business succeeds over the national chain. The money is more apt to stay locally, thus contributing to the betterment of where YOU reside, rather than sending support elsewhere. I also have no problem paying taxes so others may go to school. Educations makes a more efficient "smarter" people and community.

So why should I care if I think most people suck? I'm a humanitarian that doesn't like people. Is that right? Is it because I have a need to teach my children to be good people, no matter what? To treat others like I would like to be treated? (BTW, I think it's the only useful religious teaching ... although the religious are generally intolerant to those with differing opinions, but I digress.) I will stay the same until I find reason otherwise. I will keep treating those who do not respect me with respect. For no other reason than I do not have faith in you? Make sense?

So there it is, me being serious.

Just a quick note

Thought I would just write a quick post. To let all my readers know about my other blog.

cbdouchedotcom.blogspot.com

This is dedicated to that douche Chris Buttars. I write in that blog even less than this one, but at least it's more. It may not go up to 11, but ... nothing.

I seriously suck

So once again I've gone awol. I seriously need to get back to this. Not like anyone is reading it.

I guess one thing is new: www.frogsknott.info redirects to this blog. Yeah for me.

Go to sleep. Go to sleep. Go to slee.....

I'm happier than a piglet with two mommies

I love video games. I mean really love video games. I know, they are intangible and are part of a virtual world, but seriously... you get the point. First console was a Coleco Vision (a company built upon stealing Atari games) when I was a wee lad. Got in trouble many a times for staying up all night long playing games. Times haven't changed much. Only now games are prettier, and my wife yells at me instead of my parents.

Anyway, on the night of November 8, 2008 something terrible happened. I was confused. I knew not what to do. My XBox 360 bit the bullet. The red ring of death. For those of you unfamiliar with the 360, it means there was a hardware failure and there's little to no coming back from that one. Luckily, this is a manufacturing flaw, and Microsoft will fix it for free. Yeah for me. But also, sad for me. Why? Because I have to part with my beloved console for an unknown amount of time. All I can do is wait.

I get the email stating they have finished and will be sending me tracking information for it delivery via UPS. This was Nov. 18. No such email ever comes my wait. I'm freaking out here. Then, on Nov. 22, I get two emails. Both stating they received my service request, but have not received my console. What? I thought it was done. Is it lost? What shall I ever do? I was about ready to wipe the dust of the PlayStation 1. Then last night I get the phone call. UPS automated service calls to inform me they will be dilivering my package, somewhere between the window of 07:00 and 17:00. Small window, I know.

At precisely 12:11 (MST), My wife calls to inform me. My 360 made it safely home. YEAH FOR ME!!!!

Now to another sad thing. I need to wait 'til this pesky work thing is over to meet up again and download the new dashboard.

What the Hell am I doing?

So I am confused. Here it is after midnight and I'm still at work. Thus far, I am hour number 16 and I have no idea when this will end. Who's idea was it to do 2 server installs, one being Linux ... WITHOUT THE FRIGGIN' CD!!! Who's idea was it to take the CD home? Seriously. Not like we needed it here.

Oye huggin' vey!!! Does this make any sense? If this post blows as much as I think it does, I'm deleting it. I swear to Buddah. I'll do it.

--- EDIT ---

At the end of the day (morning), I ended up leaving a bit after 3:30. That makes a 19 hour shift. What's that all about? I am absolutely beat. Even after 4 hours of sleep. Hope this never happens again.

Time for a cabbage roll. Delish.

Can we move forward?

I am just going to copy and paste the comment I wrote to this nice little blog. (Check it out.) I am tired and really have nothing more to add...

For I am glad the election is over. The hate spewing will still go on, but will at least stop leaking out of my TV for the next few years. People will still vote for those they merely recognize, and complain about those they do not know. The baby kitten goop will not be wiped from their eyes until they realize there are others in the boat with them.

I, for the first time in my election lifetime, am proud of the outcome of the presidential election. I am proud of MY president elect. If I believed in a god, I would pray for him. I have faith in him, and have gained a little bit more in humanity.

WTF?!!!

Last night I was hanging with a friend. He informs me that David Allen Coe is playing at Bar Deluxe. Well hell, I'd like to see him perform before he dies. I mean, he's 69 years old and has lived a hard life. The man isn't lasting much longer.

So we get to the stinky bar. Not stinky from smoke anymore. It's the funk from people that think deodorant and showering are over rated. Oh, and the opening act stunk. Man that guy blew. Opening line to his first song was "maybe I'm a bastard". Well, that was good enough for everyone to hoot and halla. The guy was a redneck from Oklahoma. Need I say more?

Well, the night progresses. We watch a girl change her shirt right in front of us. We had a couple beers. We were going to see David Allen Coe. A good night was in store.

We decide to cross the street to the Bayou to pass time as the less than mediocre opening acts and have another beer. We head back and low and behold, who is on the stage? Wait ... what? That's not David Allen Coe. WTF? I'd heard he wears a wig, but this was an all out impostor. He's much too young. He's standing off to the side almost hiding behind an amp, away from the lights. Now, anyone who puts his own name in their lyrics as much as he does, is not a bashful person. I've seen video of the guy. He puts himself right up in front stage. He's David Allen Coe and he lets you know it. This was maybe David Melvin Coe. Pissed us off so much, we left after 3 songs. We'd been hoodwinked.

I went to see a legend (in his own mind). And didn't. To pull a stunt like that. Even seeing a girl change her shirt in the middle of a bar wasn't enough to fix it. David Allen Coe, you're a douche.

Where have I been?

Wow, seriously, where have I been. I really can't explain. Lazy Town. That's where. That's really all I can think of.

Really haven't been too original lately. Beat up by my job. In a funk. I can go on and on with excuses, but for what? Won't make me feel any better, nor will it make all my readers (all 2 of you) feel better. The only thing I can promise is I will do better. I will take the time needed to fill you in to my awesome (or so-so) brain.

'Til next time, peace.

All Aboard: An open letter to free loaders

The time has finally come. The FrontRunner is up and running along the Wasatch front (or at least from Salt Lake to Ogden). Mass transit is finally finding it's way in Utah. Hurray! I can now go to work (a one-way 35 mile commute) with only driving 2 miles and one transfer. This will save me some serious cash in the long run. And to get people use to the train, UTA is having free fair on FrontRunner over the next few days. I get to commute to work for low cost, This is awesome for me. The commute in the morning was great. Going northbound, there were not a whole lot of people on the train. Nice. Quiet. Commuters.

... But ...

When I got to the station in the afternoon to head home, holy crap almighty. The station packed with people. Not by commuters trying to go home, but by your families who decided to have family home evening on the free train ride. Who's idea was it to have family fun time during commuter hours? When did common courtesy get thrown out the window? Standing in line for the train, first one to get on the next train, I was butted in front of by some old lady and what appeared to be her grand-daughter, followed by her other family members. As soon as the train doors open, we let the people leaving the train get off ... wait, no, we don't do that. We push ourselves onto the train not allowing passengers to GO HOME. So I do what every good hearted citizen would do, I push the old bag out of the way to allow others off, and me on before her.

People are trying to go home from work via the train. Mass transit is suppose to cut down on vehicles on the road, thus cutting down pollution, thus making my air easier to breath, and saving me some money by not having to put gas in my car every 3-4 days (at over $40 a pop). But no, you drove to work, you drove home, you picked up your family in your family truckster, then drove to the train station for a family outing. Not helping out the cause and just pissing me off.

What should have been a 40 minute commute turned into 2 friggin' hours of being around stoopit people pointing out passing trees through the window. If your kid is too dumb to know what a tree going by the window is, they are too dumb to realize they are on a train.

Now I do not blame UTA one bit for giving free fair for a couple days. Hey, it's free stress testing for them. They get to test out their new train to the fullest. Just remind people to be courteous ('cause we all know that can't do it on their own) and allow us commuters to go home. Remember, we commuters didn't drive. We want to go home and be with our families too.

All I can say is, 2 more days of this crap when only the real UTA paying customers will be riding. And thank Ala for Powerman 5000!

Not even as good as David Vobora

The 2008 NFL Draft has come and gone. The 252nd player picked? David Vobora. Not Oliver LeGrand. Sad sad day in the LeGrand household following the depressing draft.

I can start to see where i went wrong now.

1. Have not played competitive football for nearly 16 years. (Does flag football count?)
2. I'm slightly out of shape.
3. I'm old.
4. I'm not violent or popular enough.
5. No agent. (I thought declaring myself eligible for the draft on my blog would be enough.)
6. The Liberal media.
   

Well, I guess I need to move on. There is always the NBA, NHL, WNBA, MLS, and MLB drafts.

Oh well, onto my next $1,000,000 idea.

I am getting nervous

So, here it is, the week prior to NFL draft weekend and I am getting nervous. I have not been invited to any of the pro scouting camps. I have not talked with any pro scouts. I have been watching the mock drafts, and I am not listed. I am just hoping the liberal media making these lists are just using their biased liberal agendas to push me out.

Anyway, I still have hope. See you this weekend.... hopefully.

My next $Million (possibly more)

So my first attempt at becoming a millionaire fell short. OK, so I got zero monies from it. I was sad for a while, but I must move on. However, part of the reason I am able to move on is I discovered another way to make $1,000,000, and possibly even more. It's pure ingenious.

Here it goes.

I am hereby forgoing my last (4) years of college eligibility to enter into the NFL draft. I enjoyed my year at Utah State, nearly 16 years ago, but have found it no longer necessary for me to be attached to the great program in Logan, Utah. I feel I have learned all I could from the great Aggie coaching staff. I will remember my roots. But I need to move on, for my family (and pocketbook), and think I have a lot to offer to the NFL. I will be entering the league as a rookie, with veteran age. This will help out any team that will pick me up. I will not get into trouble with the local communities. No headlines in the paper reading Oliver LeGrand: will he ever stop shooting people that don't want to be shot? And yet I will have the enthusiasm of a rookie that has never seen the inside of one of them really big buildings you only see on the TV with the bunny ears in my parents double wide. Plus, I will not complain about an utterly ridiculous multi million dollar contract. No long drawn out contract disputes with this guy. I want the team, the NFL, and me to succeed. And when it is time for me to retire, I will bow out with dignity, and a couple Bentleys.

Looking forward to hearing from a lucky team on the 26th of April, where my family and I will be watching with anticipation from our humble living room.

I knew it

Possibly the best online quiz I have ever taken that really defines me. Those that know me well would completely agree.

Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Character Are You?
	You are Michelangelo. You are laid back and all about having a good time. Cowabunga!
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com